Once Upon a Time

Sometime in August marked the 13-year anniversary of the day I supposedly married David. Or so they tell me. I was very, very sick that day & my memory is foggy. But I remember a white dress & some people shaking my hand. And lots of cameras.



The story of David & Amy.


David loved Jennifer, or so he thought. Until he saw Amy. She was so much prettier. And she didn't live in Springfield like Jennifer. Not only was Amy more conveniently located; she cooked dinner for him. She was definitely marriageable. He could see it: beautiful little children who all looked just like Amy. And delicious dinners when he arrived home from work. So David asked Amy to marry him (after a reasonable trial period). And she did. Unfortunately, she hates to cook. But she did give him some rather nice-looking sons, who, thankfully, do not look exactly like her.



The story of Amy & David.


Amy loved David's blue eyes. But she hated that girlfriend. She would have to go. So Amy got rid of Jennifer by bewitching David with her female trickery. She cooked him dinner (rice-a-roni, or pasta-roni, if she was getting fancy). And of course she cooked him dinner with food he paid for. Then she ate the food, too. And she saw her own grocery bills go down considerably. She saw this was an arrangement that worked to her advantage. Plus he had those blue eyes. So when he said marry me, she did. And they lived happily ever after, at least for 13 years so far anyway.

Opposites Attract

Yes, indeed, they do. Pantyhose and velcro always find each other. Zippers will inevitably seek out lace. They don't know what's good for them. Pantyhose mothers are often heard telling their daughters to find themselves a nice, reliable sock to marry but the daughters can't resist those dangerous, mysterious velcro boys. The red socks always wheedle their way into the washer with a load of nice, clean, innocent white socks. Then, before you know it, a whole generation of white socks is pink. The mesh shorts tend to position themselves next to the skirt wearing a nice hook & eye. Next thing you know they're hooked. And nothing good can come of it. The wool sweater thinks it would be nice to run away to the dryer with her crew neck T-shirt boyfriend when she told her mother she was going to the top of the washer for a nap.

They never learn. Oh, it seems exciting at first. But once they've been married for a while the mystery wears off and they realize they're married to a sweaty sock and that they gave up their looks for that sweaty sock. A warning: opposites tend to want to do opposite things. A pair of pantyhose is bound to be the theater-going type, but velcro really just wants to go see a movie. A skirt wearing a hook & eye is going to end up at church. But mesh shorts don't want anything to do with church. Red socks are notoriously hermits. A social butterfly like the white sock should think twice about a red sock. And their poor pink children.... And don't even get me started about the differences between zippers and lace.