Surgeon General Amy (that has a nice ring to it)

The American Academy of Pediatrics wants labels on foods that are a choking hazard for children. Yeah, this seems like a good idea. I would love to bite into a fresh, crunchy apple stamped with "CHOKING HAZARD! Not for children under the age of 4!" In fact, everything you buy should come with a warning label on it, just so you know in advance what might happen if you buy it. That way life will hold no surprises. Here are just a few suggestions:

HANES BRIEFS
"Parents, be advised: Your sons will wear these as a hat."

CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM (all brands)
"You've been warned: This will make you fat"

SNYDER'S PRETZELS
"PARENTS: Your 1-year-old may eat these for breakfast every day for a week"
(Side note: I don't know what sort of parent would allow such a thing, but I've heard somewhere that it has happened before)

DISNEY DVDS
"Parents, be advised: You will get sick of watching this for the hundredth time, but your children will not"

NOISY TOYS (any brand)
"GRANDPARENTS: If you buy this for your grandchildren, it will eventually work its way back to your house"

PRINGLES (any flavor)
"WARNING: Once you pop, you can't stop"

CELL PHONES (all brands)
"NOTICE: If you buy this phone, everyone you know can call you anytime they want. And they will expect you to answer."

LEGOS
"CAUTION: You will be finding these tiny pieces all over your house"

COUCHES (any brand)
"HUSBANDS: You may have to sleep on this"

SWIMMING SUITS (any brand)
"Be advised: You may not have the body for this"