I Want to Be Me

I was recently tormenting myself by going over an incident in my past when I opened my mouth and made a fool of myself.  Cheeks flushed, I thought about the fact I never will make that mistake now that I have learned to keep that part of myself hidden. And then I stopped and thought how sad it is I felt I had to learn to hide a part of myself from the world because I thought they would not approve (and I was probably right). Although there is a refining process we should all go through in this life, where we become the best version of ourselves, nobody should have to pretend to be someone else entirely in order to have acceptance and friendship.

We've all probably felt pressure to conform our inner selves to what's acceptable. The problem is there are messages being drilled into our brains from the beginning of our consciousness until the day we day that pressure us to feel like what we are isn't good enough.

SPEAK UP

If you are a quiet or shy person you can probably relate to how I'm feeling. I'm naturally very shy but I wouldn't exactly call myself quiet. Once I feel comfortable around someone I have no trouble talking. The trouble comes with getting someone to stick around long enough to get me feeling comfortable enough to convince them I'm not as boring as I seem at face value. But in the meantime I'm constantly attacked with propaganda from the extroverts of society who can't understand that being shy is not a bad thing.

My high school Geometry teacher gave me a C in Citizenship because I didn't talk in class enough. Her reasoning was that I wasn't doing well on the tests and so I should have been asking more questions. But I don't learn that way and I certainly wouldn't have know what question to ask. How about this one: "Can you explain ALL of Geometry to me? I don't get it." So instead of finding a way to reach me she punished me for being shy with a bad grade. The next year when I took Algebra II and my teacher sat down one on one with me after school to help me understand the subject better I received the highest score on the final. THAT is how I operate. I need time to let things simmer and I need to not be put on the spot in front of an entire class. One of those teachers understood that people are not all the same AND, what's better, she was okay with it. I wish I had gone back and told that Geometry teacher how wrong her approach had been, but that kind of thing is not my strength, as you can imagine.

DON'T BE SO NICE

Speaking my mind is not something I'm good at in general. I don't like to hurt feelings. So many people over the course of my life have told me that I should just stop being so nice and just tell people exactly what I'm thinking. I'm told my approach is passive aggressive. But personally I would prefer to be guilty of the occasional passive aggressive approach than to be guilty of actual aggressiveness. The brutally honest people of the world have hurt my feelings enough for me to not want to be the one making someone feel that way. There are plenty of people in this world who will tell a person exactly what they're thinking; I think there should be some of us who will be kind and gentle.

I don't pretend I always properly apply my approach. Sometimes I have been guilty of lying to protect someone's feelings. I don't think I should lie and I'm not going to justify it. BUT I also don't see why I should have to say something unkind or harsh when I can easily pass on the same message in a gentler way.

There are situations in which I have had to grit my teeth and be brutally honest. In various leadership positions throughout my life I often have had to be that person. But I want it to be the exception rather than the rule. I don't want people to think I'm trying to hide my true feelings from them just to be considered "nice." Rather, I want them to know that whether I agree with them or not, whether I am happy with their choices or not that I will not treat them harshly or unkindly.

DON'T GET TOO EXCITED

I think part of being kind is letting someone know I'm happy to see them. In the aforementioned situation in which I made a fool of myself it was because I was too openly excited about something or other. You know when you're a little girl and you walk around holding hands with your best friend and squeal when you see her coming your way? But when you get older you have to act all cool as if it's all the same to you whether your friends come or go? At least that's what I observed and tried to mimic. It seems like the older we get the more pretending we do. Shouldn't it be the other way around??

I like people and I want to be excited to see them if I run into them at the grocery store or even just in the hallway at church. And if someone invites me to spend time with them I don't like to turn them down because I love spending time with my friends any chance I can get. And I won't squeal like a little girl, but I don't want to pretend I'm not excited. I am. I am shy and I can be socially awkward, but I will brave society so I can be with the people who are important to me. And I will usually have fun once I get comfortable with my surroundings, as long as I am surrounded by people who will let me be myself.

All my life people have tried to tell me who I should be because they think it will be "easier" for me. And in some ways being like everyone else seems easier, but what would really make my life easier is to feel people love me the way I am, even if I have room to improve. A lot of people seem to think everyone should be like them and I think everyone should be like themselves. The best version of themselves, of course, and I am still working on becoming that person.