On the Virtues of Inconsistency

As I was recently worrying about the inconsistency in my life in general and, specifically, in my exercise routine (can you call it a "routine" if it's anything but? Whatever), it occured to me that there is an upside to everything. Right? So. For those of us in the world who excel at inconsistent exercise, I have come up with a list of reasons why our way is better:

1. Gyms are germ-infested. I speak as one who previously worked in a gym. Trust me. Stay away. And the outdoors, well, is infested with insects and other nature. Stay away from that stuff, too.

2. Your body likes to be surprised. If you do the same thing every day, your body gets bored & the exercise doesn't work as well as it used to. So, if you're inconsistent your body will never have time to get used to anything. Every workout will feel like your first. This is completely based on something someone once told me who was not at all an expert in anything and I choose to accept it as fact because it conveniently supports my way of doing things.

3. If you lose all the weight, you will have nothing to look forward to anymore. It's better to never reach your weight loss goals so that you have a motivation to continue exercising.

4. If you spend too much time exercising you use more socks & underwear. I find my laundry loads increase when I have been exercising consistently. Inconsistency, then, can save water & energy. Good for the environment.

5. I can speak from experience that if I exercise too much & lose weight there's a tendency to want to buy new clothing. Exercising is expensive. Thus, you should avoid doing it too consistently.

6. If you always look skinny & healthy, people will stop commenting on it. It'll be old news. So, it's better if your weight fluctuates along with your workouts. Keep that element of surprise. "Will Millie be fat or skinny this month? We don't know. Can't wait to find out."

7. How can you possibly expect to get cast on The Biggest Loser if you've already lost all that weight? It'll look good on your audition tape if you're struggling & just not able to pull it off on your own.

8. When you exercise, you sweat. Sweat is stinky. Do you want to be stinky all the time? Me either.

9. If you lose a lot of weight then people may not recognize you anymore. This could be confusing for people. You don't want to confuse anyone, do you? Me either.

10. If a burglar is staking out your house, they may be watching for routines, i.e. when you leave the house to go to the gym every day or when you go out walking in the mornings. If you are inconsistent enough the burglar will give up on you & rob your skinny neighbor.